Friends & Boss
Having friends at work is a great stress reliever. You can share gossip over a drink after work, share a laugh over the latest consultant's "strategy" or training session, commiserate about computer network foibles, and vent about co-workers and the boss. But what do you do when your friend suddenly becomes the boss?
A change in your buddy's rank can put a strain on the friendship, especially if you report directly to your friend. "When my good friend of 10 years became my supervisor, things were a little tense at the start," says Sam, an optometric equipment sales representative.
Initially both friends might be unsure about how to approach this change in status. "When an individual's status changes, it creates a change in the rules of the relationships that person has with others," explains Barb Villalba of Fox Valley Family Counseling, based in the Chicago metro area.
How you communicate and perceive one another's value can change. For example, if a more passive friend becomes the supervisor of the friend who was the leader in the relationship, both may have trouble adjusting to the new dynamic of their relationship.
Also, the cadence of the relationship or the amount of time each contributes to the relationship will change when one becomes a superior of the other. "My friend and I had an unstated agreement to have drinks after work on Fridays. When she became my supervisor, she simply didn't have time to do it every week," says Sam.
Villalba says communication is the key to dealing with these rule changes. She offers a list of friendship rules that might change in your relationship and how to use communication to cope:
Old Rule: The boss is the enemy. "Some people assume their superiors are their adversaries. If you are one of those people, you have to adjust your perceptions of what a boss is," says Villalba.
New Rule: The boss is your friend. Talk to your friend about what his or her expectations are of you as a direct report.
Old Rule: We can talk about anything. "Most friendships have an unwritten rule that says you should share your innermost thoughts about common topics like work or personal life," says Villalba.
New Rule: We can talk about most things, but not about co-workers or confidential information. Discuss with your friend what topics should be off-limits. "As soon as she took the job, my friend candidly told me she could no longer discuss our co-workers' performance or personal issues with me," explains Sam.
Old Rule: We eat lunch together every day. "Relationships have a rhythm, often with unstated expectations of how frequently each person will talk to or see the other," explains Villalba. Now as the department head or supervisor, one friend might have less time, or it may seem politically incorrect for the boss to spend too much time with one particular employee.
New Rule: We get together away from work. Acknowledge with your friend that your routine of spending time together might have to change and that you'll have to make more effort to see each other away from the office.
Old Rule: I am the leader in this relationship. "Very few relationships are completely equal," says Villalba. The follower in the friendship might become the superior at work.
New Rule: I am still the leader in the friendship, but a contributor at work. "It's unlikely that the friendship dynamic will change much, but both friends have to acknowledge that at work, the leader in the friendship will have to concede that leadership (at times)," Villalba explains.
By addressing the changes in the rules of your friendship, you and your new boss can have a less bumpy transition to your new roles. "It's important that friends establish new ground rules when circumstances change the dynamic of the friendship. This is true for any relationship," Villalba says.
A change in your buddy's rank can put a strain on the friendship, especially if you report directly to your friend. "When my good friend of 10 years became my supervisor, things were a little tense at the start," says Sam, an optometric equipment sales representative.
Initially both friends might be unsure about how to approach this change in status. "When an individual's status changes, it creates a change in the rules of the relationships that person has with others," explains Barb Villalba of Fox Valley Family Counseling, based in the Chicago metro area.
How you communicate and perceive one another's value can change. For example, if a more passive friend becomes the supervisor of the friend who was the leader in the relationship, both may have trouble adjusting to the new dynamic of their relationship.
Also, the cadence of the relationship or the amount of time each contributes to the relationship will change when one becomes a superior of the other. "My friend and I had an unstated agreement to have drinks after work on Fridays. When she became my supervisor, she simply didn't have time to do it every week," says Sam.
Villalba says communication is the key to dealing with these rule changes. She offers a list of friendship rules that might change in your relationship and how to use communication to cope:
Old Rule: The boss is the enemy. "Some people assume their superiors are their adversaries. If you are one of those people, you have to adjust your perceptions of what a boss is," says Villalba.
New Rule: The boss is your friend. Talk to your friend about what his or her expectations are of you as a direct report.
Old Rule: We can talk about anything. "Most friendships have an unwritten rule that says you should share your innermost thoughts about common topics like work or personal life," says Villalba.
New Rule: We can talk about most things, but not about co-workers or confidential information. Discuss with your friend what topics should be off-limits. "As soon as she took the job, my friend candidly told me she could no longer discuss our co-workers' performance or personal issues with me," explains Sam.
Old Rule: We eat lunch together every day. "Relationships have a rhythm, often with unstated expectations of how frequently each person will talk to or see the other," explains Villalba. Now as the department head or supervisor, one friend might have less time, or it may seem politically incorrect for the boss to spend too much time with one particular employee.
New Rule: We get together away from work. Acknowledge with your friend that your routine of spending time together might have to change and that you'll have to make more effort to see each other away from the office.
Old Rule: I am the leader in this relationship. "Very few relationships are completely equal," says Villalba. The follower in the friendship might become the superior at work.
New Rule: I am still the leader in the friendship, but a contributor at work. "It's unlikely that the friendship dynamic will change much, but both friends have to acknowledge that at work, the leader in the friendship will have to concede that leadership (at times)," Villalba explains.
By addressing the changes in the rules of your friendship, you and your new boss can have a less bumpy transition to your new roles. "It's important that friends establish new ground rules when circumstances change the dynamic of the friendship. This is true for any relationship," Villalba says.
posted by me ra at 11:28 AM
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